Parental advisory: adult content
Or this story may have some bits considered to be a kind of naughty
Good day Ma'am
"Are ya cold lov?", a kind smiling elderly woman asked me. It was cold indeed, way to cold for this time a year. Now we were promised global warming, not this shit! And it was also supposed to happen fast, years ago. Even heard them Yanks Government were about to declare yet another war on something. Busy bunch, fighting with everything for ever. Drugs, commies, socialists, terror and now soon to be added to that list: global weather change. As this was not just about speedy warming anymore. No sir, it could either go any way from here on! Even an extreme global cooldown, imagine that.
"Would ya care to come in dear, it's ever so cold outside.", she said as she stepped aside to let me pass. Had been going from door to door all day. Trying to sell rubbish I'd never buy myself. Not even if I could effort it. So far I had not sold one damned super vacuum cleaner. 'Dubby' it was called, it had super anti-biotic filters, or whatever. No dust would have been left in the house after this thing had done some serious sucking. Costing a few thousand, but they could get a loan to pay for it. Really hated this bloody job...
Actually I had not sold any crappadydoodah so far. It was some multi-level marketing shit, make it to diamond level, get to palladium next and go to the States for free. Entrepreneur, that's what I was, they said. Felt more like a dumb arse, me selling, my 'upline' cashing in. "Forget selling 'Dubbies', work on your own downline, be a teammanager!", all suits n skirts clappin', what the fuck was I doing here...!?
"Fancy a cuppa tea young man?", the kind lady asked me while I took a seat. An old clock was ticking loudly, dark brown furniture all around. Lots of family photos on a dressoir. My fellow 'marketeers' and my 'upline' manager had adviced me to go where the elderly live. Always good for a few sales a day. Freakin' bastards driving their expensive German cars an all. Calling them their 'beemer' and shit. Only did cost them 50K, special import, yeah yeah, sure, we care a lot.
Wonder how many old people they had tricked into debt for it, or had several downlines to do their needy greedy vulture work for them. "We need the money hon. Payments on the house are behind and the bank is threatning to sell if we dont settle the bill soon.", my better half said when I got invited to join the marvelous 'Dubby' multi layer marketing network. Bloody counterfeiting banks, hope they soon all tumble down, one after another. Let them crash and burn this time.
"So you are telling me this is a ponzi scheme, a piramid game, only with an overprized product hiding the fact it is!?", my honest question was not really appreciated by this tough crowd. Then a man called John Withatie explained to me that this was a legal business. But that many made the mistake I made and that really was okay. It would all change, once I had made my first sell. Applause and cheering, John even seemed to have grown an inch, in his pants that was. Probably had to compensate for that by driving a Z3, I can imagine.
"Would you like a biscuit with yer tea?", she was ever so kind. How on earth could I get her to spend 7 grand on a worthless piece of plastic trash sucker. In China they sell these online for 30 bucks. Maybe I should buy a bunch of them and sell those for 70. That seemed a kind of fair to me. But we had no money left to invest. Most of my selling profits would go to my 'upline' anyway. So that would not help either. First a large part would be for the 'Dubby' company. Then 30 percent to the highest uplink, all the way downto 3 for to the first one above me. And I'd get a whoopin' 1%, but I still had to take care of taxes, insurancies and so on.
My better half had asked me what other choice we had. Guess she was right. We 'only' needed about 3K to pay the bank, to secure the roof over our heads. But this was just beyond wrong.
"Is that your husband?", I asked as I pointed to a black framed photograph." And as she sat down she nodded. "He passed away three weeks ago.", her voice sounded sad and fragile as she told me. "It's been awefully silent since he passed away."
It seemed like the ticking of the old brown clock was gaining in loudness while the old lady started to talk lively about her late husband. Slowly I sipped the hot dark tea and took a bite from the biscuit. "Do you still have cold hands dear?", she asked pointing at my dark purple-ish hands. "You could stick them both in my muff for a while, that sure would make them warm, it's nice soft and furry." My face frowned as she stood up, what the ...?
Now there must be a perfect good explanation for her offer. Or she might be meaning something else than what I was thinking she ment? And no way I would...
Ow, that kind of muff. The 'Jane Eyre' sort of hand warmer, not the beavery kind we refer to at home. The one that some people tend to dive into. Glad I kept my mouth shut. "Thank you madam, you are ever so kind.", I said as I stuck both my cold hands inside the muff. It was indeed nice and warmed my hands quickly.
"Thank you for the tea, the biscuit and the hand warmer, but it is time for me to go now.", and I got up, ready to leave. "But that great vacuum cleaner deal you said you had to offer?", the old lady asked as she walked me to the door. "Nah, forget it, it is a worthless piece of rubbish, you really are better off without it. And actually just now I decided to quit this worthless 'Dubby' scheme."
When the door closed behind me I noticed how it had become clouded. The wind had picked up and it felt like it soon would start to rain. If the banks would start to fall any day soon now, we might be safe. Unless those corrupted government bastards would bail them out again, with our money. Yet another crisis, who knows. Needed to make sure now we would have something for dinner today.
Could wash some dishes at that restaurant nearby, to earn some left-overs to take home. The food aint really to my liking, but beggers cant be choosers, right? If my better half complains I will tell her to go out and sell that 'Dubby' crap to the elderly herself. Or when I get home I'll say: "Guess why my hands are so warm, silky and soft." And as she will not be in the guessing mood I'll continue right away with: "Because I just had my hands in an old lady her muff..."
That would surely set the right atmos for the evening. Maybe we could even go to bed early. And I will tell here I quit 'Dubby' in the moarn. She'll understand.
"Hey there my beautifull angel, you'll never guess what I did today..."
Even their marketing sucks
Image license CC0, courtesy of Steve PB edited by @oaldamster
The Coop files - Prologue
Edit: changed some text and errors.