"I never ever want to see you again!", sometimes I say that to myself when I have to face the one I have to look at in the mirror. You know like when being at a childlike age and unfriending the neighbour kid because the "YOU ARE DEAD!"-"NO I AM NOT!" refusal, that kind of dislikement. Those shouting arguments, or opinions, that most of the time seem to end in: "Well, you are dead to me anyways...!" And with strived march you then walk towards your house where Mum has a lending ear: "Maaaaa, really, I shot like 'piew piew' and it really was a hit! Never gonna play again in my whole life!" And in the meantime Mother would already have poured a glass of milk and says: "Here dear, drink your glass of milk, you will feel better, tomorrows another day." While she put a big smacker on your forehead. And while still wearing a milk moustache the next question would be: "What are we having for dinner Mum?"
"Yeach, Brussel Sprouts, aaaaw, you know I do not like those Ma...!" Already forgotten that Ma just pulled a little miracle. Next day resulting in: "Hi, do you want to come out and play?" With the kid next door who refused to play dead. Well, luckily adults have found better ways to make sure we stay dead when shot, they are called bullets. And they got so much more advanced in this game of war, that we smart adults are capable of destroying the earth dozens of times! Now, I want to hear that neighbour kid say: "No, I am not dead!" after a nuclear holocaust, right? Are there any kids these days that play "Nuke'm"...? Life was so much easier back then. At least it does feel like that sometimes. Adults playing, well, that got a whole different meaning anyway.
Adults handle it way better
Sometimes, when in a state of intense emotion, it is very well possible to state things that are expressed in the heat of the moment. Logical thinking is out of bounds by then, the reason is simple, we are not capable of thinking with our grey matter at those times. And I never heard somebody make a lot of sense when they were very sad, in shock or very angry. The thing is when emotions get the hold of us the more animal instinct part of our brain takes over. Hard to imagine? Well, take a look at angry mobs and those opposing them. Now, another fun experiment. Look at them and make them about 8 years of age with the power of your mind. The real challenge is that we are in reality dealing with adults. Who have stopped using their index finger as a 'piew piew' and exchanged it for other things. That is being adult, heck yeah!
It is a bit more difficult though going to that neighbour the next day and ask if they want to go join in a BBQ. Not breathing anymore might be an indication that something went just a bit to far. Well, luckily that is just an unreal thought of mine, we adults, we don't do that kind of childish play. Or do we? It is even offensive towards children as they tend to solve things just like 1-2-3. Maybe it is even better to speak of adultish play...
Broken home
For several reasons I stopped celebrating my birthday. And I did not turn 'witness' for that, although I do have respect for those who are, by whom I mean the religious kind. But do not worry, I respect Steem witnesses also. The reason I stopped celebrating my birthday was because of the family affairs. Coming from a broken home, parents divorced, I was put under a lot of pressure, had to make the right choice. And one side explained very clear to me what that choice was. That also ment I had to dislike one parent, and I am putting it mildly here. Well, you know that is how things go at a break up. Not that I like it, but you know, we are adults and that is the way we handle things. Kids, ah, they have no adult hormones, they do not understand anyway. So, suddently one part of my family, that I grew up with, was gone. Let's leave it at that. (Luckily I got reconnected to my other parent soon and that part of my blood relatives. Time can heal.)
Then when my better half joined me on a mutual continuened path, there too was another reason to make choices between this and that. Really mind disturbing, again. Even more than with my own next of kin. This really messed me up, alltogether. Already I did dislike the way the so called 'adults' played drums on their own chests. While I actually did just see that as, a human kind of ape, acting on instinct, not even understanding it did and why. It is all there though, the science, that when we humans get lost in emotions our grey matter gets almost shut down and the survival part of the brain takes over. "Whatever possesed you to do that?", well, it is the animal part of our brain. Freeze, flee or fight, that is basicly it. Some might want to add a fourth one, but they are just raging with hormones that want to procreate...
When one understands how this works it can be used to manipulate humans into any shait thinkable. We all came to know this as 'advertising', 'propaganda' and 'media'. Who ever controls that, can do very bad things. And you won't even know you were messed over. Divide and rule, all the time. Oh yes, we are a bunch of smart adults all together just swallowing it down, every bleeding second of our adult life...
Sorry drifting off there again, wasn't I...?
Guess I love peace
People that forgive, can also remember what they have forgiven. It have two cheeks, turned ones, turned twice, third time: you are out! Yes, you won't get me turning over my cheek over and over, how to interpret that? Well, 1-2-3-OUT! It also depends on what has been said or done and in what state. There are always more sides to any story. That is what I learned coming from a broken home. But there are also things that should be taken seriously. For me it is easy to come up with things that would fit that thought. There are sickening things that humans do to each other, that are unspeakable for me in their horror. That might be forgiven someday, yet will have be remembered for ever. Denial is even dangerous then. So, in many cases for me it is like: "Forgive, I do, remember, I will."
Because of these family affairs I stopped celebrating the day I was born. "If they come we will not.", "Can we come another time?", I just had it with that. Or when some of the people with a dispute came and would make me feel as I was still alive at my own funeral. Hip, hip, huray! "For he's a jolly good fellow, and some join in and some do not..." All the preparations and the stress upfront, for what!? Even getting worse when a certain age comes in closer. Then all of a sudden there will be preparations done, because you have to celebrate that oh so special day. Fork off! All these years of bad days, and all of a sudden it needs to be celebrated?
And you know what? Again there are others who want to take things into their control sphere. While there are those whom I would love to see but others will not. So, no more birthdays for me, not 'even' those very special ones.
What is this about
Besides me skipping that 'oh so special' birthday, I do love those who are special to me. But I do not feel like I should celebrate being alive with them on one day that is locked for that. There are many people that I am thankfull for because they are in my life. You know why? Because we share memories together. Situations that make our life paths join in a special way. Even if at some point our ways split. What matters to me are the good times, and also the hard times that we pulled through together. Without forcing each other to believe in something, or to choose sides, or else... And I love the ones that I can have a disagreement with, even sometimes raising voices, because when I know I was wrong and say I'm sorry, it gets accepted. Same the other way round.
Guess somewhere in this post there is some point, or I just wanted to write my frustrations out off my system, maybe it is kind of both. Like where one can state things when in emotion, slam the door shut behind, but a few moments later one already feels sorry for what has been done. Some get stuck in those emotional situations, even argue that something is right when counter attacking, when all it is, is the same behaviour done in return. While it only changes for the worse into an endless fight.
When the ranks are broken
For me, when the time of birthday joy is closing in again, I remember how there have been things in my past life that broke the ranks inside. Some have asked why I choose the hard way in life, and now I return that with: "I did not know there was a choice, is there?" My path is the way I live my life, it is the only way I know how to be the one who I am. And I guess that counts for every one of us.
There are things that a "I am really sorry" or a "I changed my mind" will only be words that fall to bare ground. But mostly it will be easy for the most of us to imagine what those kind of things are. Recently though, in this community, I noticed something that made me think back to the time when my parents divorced. But I won't be forced to choose who is right, or who is wrong, apparantly, because when I read some of the reasons, I just thought :"YOU ARE FLAGGED!"-"NO I AM NOT!".
And I guess I will move on, maybe powering down, because this place suddently broke ranks for me and became way to 'adult' in the proces. But don't take me to seriously, because I learned how to say sorry and that we all can have a change of heart.
image "chaos" cc0 by @oaldamster